In a time where werewolves are on the brink of extinction, it’s up to Aurora to man up and get bit after a fatal car accident on a winding road.
She bears the gift of the Matefinder, a mere myth until now.
Luckily, she’s what everyone has been hoping for, including bad guys, because leverage and hostage and money and stuff.
If she didn’t believe in vampires and witches and werewolves before, she will now.
Is Matefinder worthy of me?
Well, if you liked Twilight, then you might like this novel here. Don’t expect it to be up to par when standing next to the major league Young Adult books, either. It’s…sub-par. Written by an amateur writer.
Without getting too into it–the concept is great. In a world where werewolves can only procreate with their own, they’d need someone with the ability of a “matefinder” to help their species survive. The terrible parts is the structure and the writing.
Everything’s too fast-paced. People think. In that time, the pace slows.
But Aurora’s thinking is: Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m a werewolf…but all right. Holy crap there are vampires? Ok. Wait, witches might be looking for me? Huh, that’s not good.
Come on.
That’s just me. If you like to read for the read, then by all means, give the book a try.
How did we find this product?
I’d borrowed it on Kindle to see if it were any good…
Matefinder – Chapter One, Part One Critique
Dedication
For every woman who has ever had to fight to be who they were destined to be, this book is for yo
The “Dedication” page is before the novel even begins. The fact that the author couldn’t bother to spell-check this section alone, that’s at the start of the book speaks volumes. You know what you’re getting into the moment you see it.
Now, I’m not saying this book is terrible. But this is to be expected from an amateur writer. Thus, expect amateur writing.
My black Jetta’s headlights lit up the dark night as I crept my car up the winding road that led to Mount Hood. My roommate had convinced me to take a break from my hectic life, and go stay at her parents’ vacation home on the mountain. As I pulled into a gas station to grab a coffee, the dash clock said it was near midnight. The hour drive to Mount Hood from Portland was making me fall asleep.
Let’s look at this paragraph as a whole.
There are two things we don’t yet have.
- First, we don’t have our main character’s (MC) name, but that’s okay. We won’t always get the name of a character at the start, and we’re not always meant to.
- Second, we don’t know the MC’s gender.
With the second one, we can kind of guess at it with the information provided.
They have a female roommate, and most guys don’t typically have the opposite gender as a roommate. But if that’s not satisfying enough, the female roommate is allowing our MC to stay at her parent’s vacation home. Again, not many females will tell a guy to go to their parents’ vacation home, and most parents wouldn’t be very okay with it.
Therefore, our assumption is that the MC is female.
It’s all based on what we’re given with no facts, but it makes sense from what we’re told.
What we do get out of it is that they’re driving at night in a black car on a winding road.
That basically foreshadows a wreck right there.
The first sentence:
My black Jetta’s headlights lit up the dark night as I crept my car up the winding road that led to Mount Hood.
(1) Black Jetta
While it is dark out, and black is hard to see at night, I don’t see a need to note the color of her car unless it’s important at a later time. As mentioned with the possibility of a wreck, they could describe her car’s color and someone may recognize it at hers.
Otherwise, even a black car at night is going to be noticed by someone else because headlights are a thing.
(2) Dark night
Dark doesn’t exactly need to be here, and it certainly goes against the fact that there is nothing around (because she comes up on a gas station…out of apparent nowhere).
Night is part of the setting.
(3) Crept my car
This signifies she’s being cautious, but I wonder if she’s being overly cautious? Most people creep their car on a road that’s one lane–meaning people going forward and people going back are using the same lane. You have to be careful, because wrecks are possible.
However, it seems our MC is on a regular road, and the only hazard is it’s winding and it’s nighttime.
As long as it doesn’t say she’s speeding, we can assume she’s going the speed limit, so there’s no real reason this word is here.
(4) Winding road
There’s nothing wrong with “winding” specifically, but the word is mentioned several times in a short amount of pages.
…up the winding road…
…the main road, single-lane and winding.
…lying by the winding road…
We get it.
(5) Mount Hood
This simply establishes a place, so we have our setting! It’s night and we’re on a road toward Mount Hood.
The second sentence:
My roommate had convinced me to take a break from my hectic life, and go stay at her parents’ vacation home on the mountain.
(1) Roomate
Keep this in mind for later. If something happens to our MC, then she’s going to have someone know of it and either contact authorities or figure out where she is. The same goes for the fact that the MC’s friend’s parents must know her as well.
(2) Hectic life
Since it’s stated here that her life is hectic, I’m hoping that it’s expanded upon later in the story. To state this here and dismiss the facts later is bad news for characterization.
(3) Parents’ vacation home
I could be completely off here, but it seems with a vacation home, the MC’s friend’s family is on the richer side of the spectrum. Or, at least, they have more money than the MC does, because she doesn’t have her own “vacation home” to kick back and relax at.
The third sentence:
As I pulled into a gas station to grab a coffee, the dash clock said it was near midnight.
(1) Gas station
Seems our MC knows how to teleport, because nowhere did she notice any kind of civilization, and remember, she’s on a winding road at night. Gas stations have lights that you’ll notice in the distance, or that you’re coming up on.
And a normal person will notice something and have specific thoughts on that something.
While we’re only a couple sentences in, we can already see inconsistencies.
(2) Near midnight
Before it was stated that she’s driving in the dark of night, but now we’ve got a sort of time.
This makes you question why she’s driving at this time of night. She doesn’t seem like a night owl, because the next sentence has her on the verge of falling asleep and needing coffee. And I don’t think she was held up at a job or anything, because in a later paragraph it states she came from her women’s self defense class.
I don’t think those run late.
And it’s only an hour drive she’s taking.
And no, she didn’t clean up afterward, because why would she continue wearing the clothes she worked in and not change into something more comfortable before heading out?
I actually don’t think it’s ever stated why she’s out driving this late. She just…is. Easier to run into things at night I guess.
The fourth sentence:
The hour drive to Mount Hood from Portland was making me fall asleep.
(1) Hour drive and fall asleep
This doesn’t add up. She’s not falling asleep from an hour long drive. If you fall asleep after only an hour of driving (which she hasn’t even been driving that long yet), then there’s a problem. Don’t get me wrong, depending on the day you’ve had and how exhausted you are, you can easily fall asleep no matter how long you’ve been driving, but that isn’t the case here.
She’s falling asleep because she’s driving at almost midnight. When most people sleep. Nowhere does it state she likes to stay up late or anything, so we automatically assume she goes to bed at normal people time.
But maybe she’s practicing for when she becomes a wolf?
(2) Was
When I used to write, I’d highlight every “to be” verb in my document and see if there were a way I could take them out and expand upon the sentence. Not every one can be taken out, and not all of them should be considered weak.
But this one is.
Nowhere, yet, is there any connection with the MC. There’s barely any kind of thinking. She’s obviously not looking around her. Heck, we don’t even know if she’s listening to music or not. Are her windows down, or up?
Nothing.
That goes the same for her being tired. Where does it describe her being tired? We, the readers, are literally being told that she’s falling asleep, instead of us being there in the moment with the MC. Her eyelids aren’t getting heavy. Lights aren’t getting fuzzy from going out of focus from sleep deprivation. She’s not going over the line and jerking her car back to the correct side of the road.
We’re just to know she’s getting tired because the author told us so.
Okay. Makes sense.
Stepping out, I silently cursed at the light falling of rain. I was still wearing the yoga pants and tight crop top that I had on from teaching my women’s self-defense class. My rain jacket was shoved in the bottom of my duffle bag in the trunk. I jogged across the parking lot, clutching my credit card and keys, jumped up on the curb and tripped, dropping my keys. Luckily, I caught myself before face-planting onto the cement.
(1) Rain
Just stepping out of her car, she notices the light falling of rain. But we don’t know if it was sudden.
Did it start the moment she parked her car? Was there light rainfall during the drive, because those little droplets, despite being few and far between, are noticeable. And for someone who doesn’t have their raincoat on them–that would be on their mind immediately. Not just when they step out of the car.
(2) Was
Honestly, it could’ve been changed to “I still wore the…” and get rid of the “was.” It’s a little thing to think on.
(3) Tight crop top
This is an hour long drive she’s taking, and she’s in a tight crop top that she’d been teaching a self-defense class in. That means it’d be sweaty and uncomfortable at this point. And yet she chose to drive in it, instead of wearing something more comfortable and, well, clean.
Automatically I assume our MC is lazy and isn’t big on being comfortable and clean when there’s no reason to. Not like she’s seeing anyone while she’s at the vacation house, after all.
But the crop top is tight. It’d be uncomfortable anyway, right? Just to wear for a casual hour long drive?
(4) Teaching
I’m talking in circles at the moment, but I’m trying to get a point across about the character we’re reading about.
She was teaching a self-defense class, which involves a lot of movement and sweat. She went straight from teaching to this car drive. She didn’t change her clothes, and in not doing that, I assume she didn’t even take a shower. That car drive…would not smell good. Unless the window is down.
But we don’t know that.
We’re really getting the slim pickings as a reader.
(5) Women’s self-defense class
First off, she teaches a women’s self-defense class. That means she’s more geared toward helping women than she is helping men. So maybe she feels women are more defenseless than men…which, you know, is a big consensus with a lot of people.
Second, the whole self-defense thing.
Something probably happened to her in the past, or happened to someone she cares about. Or maybe she saw something and it made her turn to this as a job. It’s just something to remember. Character development.
(6) Was shoved
The fact that she shoved some things into her luggage suggests she was rushing. If someone isn’t rushing, they normally take the time to just lay their clothes in a bag, or fold the clothes first and set them in.
But it doesn’t seem like she’s rushing at all.
Going slow on the road and all that.
(7) Bottom
Because the jacket is on the bottom, it was places in the bag first. She obviously didn’t have much of a concern in regards to rainy weather if this is the case. Most people place jackets of any kind on top–just in case.
(8) Credit card
Why on earth is she clutching her credit card? Where did she get it from? Where had it been before she grabbed it? Was it always in her hand, the whole ride to the gas station, or did she have it on the passenger’s seat? In a cubby hole of the car?
I understand not carrying around a purse for your wallet–but that’s the thing. Where’s her wallet? Does she not carry one of those around? Did she take the credit card out of her wallet (which is still a little dumb).
A credit card can be dropped or slide out of view. Basically, it’s easy to lose the suckers.
(9) Jumped up
This might just be me, but “jumping up” on a curb reminds me of something a kid would do. Just to do a hop from a lower level to a higher one. I think it would’ve been better to have her “stepping up” on the curb instead. It doesn’t sound as childish.
(10) Dropping my keys
Oh but she didn’t drop her credit card! Just her keys.
Does she even realize she’s still holding the credit card at this point? Probably not. It’s an easy thing to forget.
(11) Caught myself
I’m not sure what she means by this, because she could’ve tripped and caught herself by stopping the fall with her hands on the pavement. In which case…she would’ve felt the bite of the credit card, because it’s still in her hand.
Or, she could’ve stumbled. I’m not sure if that’s a good definition of “catching yourself” though.
Real smooth, Aurora. I bent down to grab my keys just as the glass door opened. Afraid of getting stepped on, I stood quickly and came face-to-face with a gorgeous guy in his mid-twenties. Hello there. He was a mere breath away and locked me in an intense stare. He had medium-dark East Indian skin with wild chocolate-colored hair that hung in loose wisps around his strong jaw. Standing over six feet tall, he was made from rock-hard muscle. My eyes drifted down his body as I took in his shirtless torso and chiseled abs. He wore cut off sweatpants, and no shoes. Odd. I tried my hardest not to completely check him out—but was that an eight-pack? I blushed as he caught me looking.
(1) Real smooth, Aurora.
There’s nothing wrong with conversing with yourself, so this statement is fine. Some people might point out that because this book is in first person, everything on the page is her thoughts and actions, so why put her thoughts in italics, when we should know they’re her thoughts in the first place? Doesn’t really make sense.
Normally thoughts in italics are more for third person point of view.
(2) Down
Normally, I don’t like being told the character is doing something up or down when it’s obvious. Like looking up at the sky or bending down to tie your shows. The up-down movement is obvious, therefore not needed. But in this case, I’d like to point out that “down” is well suited for the sentence. It makes it flow a bit better than if the word were taken out.
(3) Glass door
I don’t think it needs to be noted this is a glass door. That is, unless it’s needed for a future description–that maybe she looks out of it and sees something. Otherwise, she never looked inside to see anything, thus it can remain a door.
(4) Gorgeous guy
I have no qualms with her running into a guy she thinks is gorgeous. It happens.
But when you use the same word multiple times in close quarters, people are going to start wondering how far the MC’s vocabulary really stretches. Which…apparently isn’t very far.
…came face-to-face with a gorgeous guy…
He flashed a gorgeous smile…
…equally gorgeous man stepped up…
…brushed past the tall, dark, and gorgeous man.
Luckily, her “gorgeous” vocabulary shuts off after this initial run. But I can literally see the drool seeping out the corner of her mouth right now.
(5) Intense stare
Not to throw out some spoilers here, but seeing as this guy is the alpha werewolf, I wonder if the author put this here as a clue. A wolf staring another in the eyes is a dominance routine and typically starts fights if one or the other doesn’t look away or submit or what-have-you.
If it was meant to be a heads-up indication, I like the subtlety. If not…it still works.
(6) East Indian skin
She gave a description of his skin color, but then went as far as to say “East Indian.” Meaning she knows how East Indians look, skin-wise. Meaning she’s been there before. Or knows people from said location.
It’s something to keep in mind.
(7) Chocolate-colored hair
Why do authors feel the need to explain a color of someone’s hair by mentioning an item that it has the same color as?
Chocolate is brown. Just…use the word brown or another word that means brown.
You’re not being clever when you do this, and unless it’s a unique shade that requires a mental snapshot photo of another item for clarity, it really shouldn’t be done.
(8) Cut off
I believe this word should be hyphenated, and not two separate words. Otherwise it reads like he actually cut off his sweatpants. And maybe he did. Guess we won’t know for sure.
(9) Odd
First off, she needs to have more of a thought process than this single word.
What happened to the no shirt, no shoes, no service rule? Does it go out the window in a place like this? Are they so far out from an actual town that it doesn’t really matter anyway? Does the state/city this places is in not have that as a rule? I don’t understand.
If it is a thing, then she should be wondering why he’s not wearing a shirt. Or shoes.
Not only that rule, but that’s not really sanitary. Like, at all.
No thought process from the MC on this though.
(10) Eight pack
I think this is meant as a joke. I hope this was meant as a joke. Otherwise, she’s counting his moobs as part of those pecs. At this point I’m just hoping she’s not actually this dumb.
Also, I believe it should be hyphenated.
(11) He caught me looking
And now I suspect she’s actually this dumb.
Upon first meeting him, they are standing face-to-face and he’s staring at her. All this time, not once did she take a step back–which is actually normal human behavior. You’re too close, you take a step back.
Anyway, while he’s still staring at her, she’s checking him out, and then she blushes because he caught her looking? Hello? He never looked away. He’s been staring at her the whole time, watching her check him out. And she just…can’t believe it. So she blushes.
“Hi.” He flashed a gorgeous smile full of white teeth and dimples. His voice was a deep baritone that made my stomach warm.
(1) Smile and dimples
This might be a bit of nit-picking, as I know what she means by the description…but it sounds as if the dimples are in his smile, where his teeth are.
I swallowed hard. “Hi.” The air was heavy with some sort of tangible connection. I felt like I had met him before, although I was sure I would have remembered a guy like him.
(1) Would have
Typically, if sentences come through as the character’s voice–which is what first person point of view essentially is–then you’ll want to either stick with contractions or not. If you switch back and forth it becomes noticeable and doesn’t sound right.
In this case “would have” doesn’t really seem too awkward, but it’s not how a normal person either things or speaks. Someone from the upper class of civilization? You’d expect them to not use contractions.
A dirty-blond, equally gorgeous man stepped up behind him and clapped him on the shoulder. “Shall we get back to our run?” the friend asked.
(1) The friend asked
There’s no reason to have this tag on the end. It further confuses the situation, I think.
First off, we know who’s doing the talking without being told. Second, how does she even know this guy is his friend? What if it’s a relative? She could be providing us with false information from the start because she doesn’t know.
Snapped from my trance, I smiled weakly and brushed past the tall, dark, and gorgeous man. As his arm brushed against mine, I felt my stomach warm again. Damn, how long had it been since I’d been on a date? My hormones were going crazy on me. Down girl. The guy could have been an axe murderer for all I knew.
(1) Been and been and been
To be or not to be.
I’d rather it not to be.
This is one of those reasons why I look for “to be” verbs, they dampen the writing. They don’t do anything to engage and there’s no reason they need to be (haha) there, unless there’s no way you can get rid of them as the sentence wouldn’t make sense any other way.
(2) I’d been and could have been
